| | Subject: | Blah | | Time: | 09:18 am |
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| "You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours."
I love Misty Edwards. She is the only repetitive-style worship I really respect. Her lyrics and music have a breadth to them as if she's having a conversation with God (and I believe she is.)
Life continues to get more interesting (to me) Likely these are things I find fascinating purely for the fact that I am personally living them. I would watch them in a movie because they reflect my own life. I don't expect anyone else to be inspired or impacted by the words on here, or else I would make them more public. This is more just personal reflection I can look back on later and mark my progress.
The other night I was working third shift at work and I was rather sad about it. To be accurate, I wanted to cry. Not in that laughable, "Yeah, I so just wanted to cry!" but more-like literal sobfest. I didn't cry.. not much anyway. But I was rather grouchy. I didn't want to talk to anyone at first, just fold, fold, fold. Then my supervisor asked me to teach a couple people from another department how to fold. (oh, yeah, I work in laundry by the way.. folding sheets and towels from here until the rapture.) I have a firm belief in not taking out my grouchiness on complete strangers so I checked my attitude and took my new pupils through the process of learning how to fold everything.
Now, I should clarify.. the people I was teaching were not completely new to me, I had met them before upstairs in their own department. In fact I had a couple exchanges of some sort with the guy, but nothing notable.
So after having taught them, I was instructed to send them on their way to their own table. They decided to stick around, apparently, so we were all folding a bin of sheets. I was in regular communication with a couple guys behind me but close enough to hear bits of the conversation of my trainees. Something, I know not what, caught my ear and I asked them what they were on about. Evidently the girl was a Catholic but the guy was not. I probed further into the matter and found out the guy was being rather offensive toward the Catholic so I diffused the situation and took over the guys attention. I have my own beliefs about Catholicism but I don't condone ribbing them fruitlessly.
I found out this young man was a churched Christian, but had left the body because of offense. Interesting. I have my own beliefs about this as well but it didn't seem the time to go John Bevere, so I just kept the conversation going. It seems that was the right thing to do and that he was actually quite eager to talk to another Christian. We talked about sincerity and spiritual gifts and healing and the Left Behind series. It was rather uplifting. I was finally glad I had taken that third shift.
Okay, since this is my blog I get to be real for a second. I had noticed this kid before - something about him - maybe his reddish hair or friendly face or perhaps it was something more spiritual than that. I know little about these things. Do Christians have a sort of 6th sense about other believers? Was the Holy Spirit pointing him out to me or did I just think he was a cute kid? I have to call him kid, by the way, because he is only barely 18. I'm not meaning to demean his adultness or anything - he is mature enough for his age.
So now what do I do with him? I want him to get plugged into a church. I invited him to mine because I know that though it isn't perfect, we accomplish a lot in the non-hypocritical department and this might be a good fit for him. He didn't seem overly eager to find out when the services were, though. I wonder if he'd be interested in the college group. Or maybe even Axis... I don't know.
Blah. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Wow.
My mind has been working furtively and furiously and vehemently, ardently and passionately. Ideas and emotions and musings and frustrations flow in and out of each other, mixed and colandered, sifted, spread and kneaded and spread again.
Some highlights:
1. I don't need boys. I don't need 'em. I'm not willing to chase a guy. HEAR THAT?! I'm not going to pursue you! You elusive guy, you. I'm not going to sidestep my own God-given design to be the pursued, not the pursuer. I was born woman and that is my birthright to only run when I'm chased. So you can do whatever you want, just don't expect me to come after you or follow you around, especially when you won't commit any of yourself to me in return. Because I don't need you. I don't need you until you need me so bad that you'll pursue me, even unto humiliation if it comes to that. Even to the piercing of your ego, because my heart is expensive - as all rare things are. That's right. I'm self-confidant enough to declare the rarity of my own heart. I have qualities many young women don't even know are crucial to being an awesome future wife or present girlfriend. Want to know what they are? Dare to pursue me and find out.
2. Somewhat related, I'm terrible at picking up single non-believing guyfriends. I have this terrible habit of evangelizing. Each one is intrigued at first. Many declare that they were "thinking for quite some time that they should take their faith seriously and get back into church" but sadly many fail to follow through. So after the shiny has worn off my convictional charm they back off and back down. I just can't help myself. I try to just.. talk. But Jesus comes out. I wish I could meet more Christian guys.
3. Theology is more than a course in college. Understanding God is a lifestyle. How many people would save money if they would just skip Religion courses and go to some churches instead? They would at least get the information from the source instead of having it filtered through the right brain of some left winged pinko moonbat professor who wants to feel cool and spiritually elite teaching students about the hobgoblins of Christianity. They mask their dissatisfaction of life with richly textured explanations of how religion begat all wars and provided all poverty and plundered all people. Read your Bible. Learn the truth.
The end. For now.
-Lindsey
Oh, and happy Fathers Day. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Yesterday had its funny points.
Among them was when my friend and I were pulling out of the library parking lot. I had some funky 50's oldies type music in my player and we were dancing in sync with one-another - that kind of arm-swinging doo-woppy move oft seen with back-up singers from the same era.
So as we're doing this I look ahead of me and there's a man in a postal truck waiting for traffic so he could turn left into the same lot we were exiting. And he was laughing at us, clearly amused by our wimsy and uninhibited ways. He finally got to turn left and waved as he pulled past us.
I thought that was a rather serendipitous little exchange. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think the word 'relationship' needs one more 'a' in it: realationship. Because its all about being 'real' with another person. In a broad sense we can function in society on a diet of shallow interactions - gaining wealth and shelter and covering and food does not require any truly deep communication. But man cannot live on bread alone. This is why isolation chambers are a form of punishment and people on desert islands go crazy with the grief of loneliness. We all crave, hunger, deeply desire the real deal, the penetrating force of someone knowing and accepting you without provision. Being able to speak your limitless heart without reproach, being understood even when you know you're wrong and having sympathy when you're finally right.
A 'realationship' allows you to feel comfortable in your skin and just be who you are in this moment, and yet is so empowering as to inspire you to self-improvement.
I suppose thats why it is so devastating when its taken away (and it will be) because it dissolves security and confidence and power and motivation. I suppose further that is why a realationship with God is so relevant and crucial and desirable: God is the one being who will always, always love and never, ever leave. He is the only complete love we can ever attain and he never forsakes us, ever. It is the purest, most devoted love and we never need to suffer through it abandoning us, or even the fear of abandonment. Unfortunately most miss something important when demanding an answer as to why we love or even care about this God - they miss the important fact that this God not only loves us back, but loved us -first-.
So if God is the purest form of love, then I can only hope to model my human relationships after him - by practicing self sacrifice with forgiveness and patience. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This has been some kinda week.. The highlights:
1. Onset of the black plague. What always starts as a simple sore throat rarely stays that way for long. The first night consisted of waking up in the middle of the night with an exciting case of the chills. I was shaking so hard I thought I was going to dislocate something. Then I went back and forth between being freezing to baking alive. This continued on for several days, adding to its ranks some sort of pneumonia which made it nearly impossible to breathe. Between shortness of breath and high fever I enjoyed some delirium.. when I was awake, anyway, since mostly I was sleeping the day away. Eventually my throat felt better, and after a couple days my fever subsided. Then I was just tired. I got rid of most of my chest congestion but not all. Then my brains felt like oatmeal. I got tired easily. I still kind of do. I've been out seldom but when I am I just want to sleeeeep.
2. Chosen for jury duty. Heehee. Um. I forgot when I got the form, I hope I get it back in on time.. the last week has been a blur on account of #1.
3. Well.. actually I guess thats mostly it. Being house-bound and such has been quite depressing, especially after I was slightly house-bound back in San Diego. I'm ready for a productive summer working with youth, diving back into art and connecting with old friends, visiting old haunts, etc. So much to do. So little energy.
Bleh. I don't feel good tonight.. it doesn't feel like flu. At least not the flu I've been having. Its nausea and dizziness and stuff. Meh. SNAP OUT OF IT, SISTER!
I'm not really sure why I named this entry Frog Dissection. I was watching E.T. Maybe I just feel like an alien autopsy right now.
Meh. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Mar...MARMARMARMAR. Sometimes I think making little sounds will help me feel better. They don't.
I had a great day yesterday. For all the complaining I've done about not getting to eat sushi or go to the beach, I finally got to do both yesterday! My friend Mel from the woman's Bible study invited me out with herself and the pastors family to go to a pacific ocean beach for lunch and swimmin'. She even bought me food and totally wouldn't let me pay for it. Sometimes I hate that.. sometimes when people do me a favor by buying something for me and not letting me pay for it I feel uncomfortable and like I owe them something. I'm not ungrateful for their gesture, as I like to do it for other people too when I can but.. I dunno.
I personally recommend sushi on the ocean. Its a good time. Wading and picking up sea shells is also fun. The tide comes a lot higher here and is more sporadic.. so you can be standing on sand, 15 feet from the ebb and flow and all of a sudden be thigh-deep in saltwater.
Naturally, I took a lot of pictures of people and scenery. Also, a passing bird found fit to officially induct me into San Diego beach life by ...well.. doing something that birds do. Not in my hair, thank goodness.
In other news.. I have no other news. I'm heading off to dinner at a friends house soon. YAY! And I'm heading up to the LA-area at the end of this week to spend the weekend with my aunt and also hang out at a certain Tennapel residence with some mutual friends. Should be a good time. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I had another strange dream laced with interesting characters and danger.
In one part I was held captive by some man.. a construction worker type. I was confined within a tall shabbily constructed column with no promise of release. So escape was the only option. I waited until he was otherwise occupied and climbed toward the top of the shaft to inspect the molding around this window to see if there was a weak spot somewhere. In that special dream way, going against all logic and natural law, I could see through this window though it was constructed of layer after layer of opaque duct tape. Outside was a parking lot. I watched out the window as I pulled tacks out of the wall, and found that strangely, all the tack heads were quarters - the money kind, with washington on the front. As I flung them aside I heard the man coming back so I climbed down quickly. He saw the missing tacks and was suspicious but I acted innocent. He walked away for a moment and I went back to work, determined to escape before he could return again. I didn't even bother with tacks this time.. I just ripped back the corners of each layer of duct tape. A comrade appeared at my side, or at least slightly below, which oddly didn't seem to surprise me at all. I hurriedly instructed this friend to grab the corners I had peeled back and to finish the ripping for me. We tag-teamed each layer of tape until they were all gone and left nothing but slightly glue-residued glass. My comrade grabbed a piece of broken bed frame from the construction pile and sent it flying through the pane. I bent and contorted my body through the hole of broken window, uncaring of the cuts and scrapes I was receiving all over - just desperate to be free. After making it through head-first there was a slight drop to the asphalt but I made it down okay.
Then I met up with more comrades and we found a flashy red sports car that we proceeded to abscond with. It was as red inside as it was outside. Seemed every source of light was fitted with red bulbs. Except those little lighted panels on the doors that indicate the lock/unlock button. Those were the customary yellowy-white.
As we drove at record speeds down the freeway I looked up ahead through the windshield. The horizon reminded me of Vegas. It had that high-rising, flashy-light way about it. The only real oddity was at first alarming - The highest building in this turn-around was collapsing like the twin towers! It fell in on itself with smoke rising and curling into the black heavens before it hit ground zero and spread its debris like a skirt in a curtsy. I was horrified at first. Then the odd part came - this building rose back up the same way it came crashing down. The smoke sucked right back into the building and it stood as if it had never fallen. I was about to sigh with confused relief, but again the building came crashing down as before.. and again, it rose. This continued on, the building rising and falling like stereo signals on an e-meter. Never the less we walked into the building and didn't come to any harm as it rose and fell. Indeed we found the source of the disturbance: A person with a quite ordinary looking stick, about the length of your leg.. not rounded off but with square corners. Not even ornate.. just plain, splintery wood. The individual seemed to push the building up with this stick, and then upon bringing the stick down again the building would fall down all around us, and rise again and so on. I asked the individual what they were doing, incredulous that this entire building should rise and fall repeatedly (it was a hotel by the way, and red everywhere just like the car) They told me quite simple as they handed me the stick - assumedly to take over for them - that they were dream-weaving. And now I was the new Dream Weaver.
And then I woke up with that song in my head.
My head is so weird. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| What kind of a ship are you aboard? Are you aboard a ship that races other ships to the finish line? Are you aboard a ship that forges through danger to save lost ships and men at sea? Are you the sort of ship that flies a black flag and plunders boats for your own gain, leaving only a survivor to tell the tale? Are you a ship that carries important men from one coast to the next? Are you the sort of ship that carries important supplies across oceans? Are you the sort of ship that takes from the sea, only to be eventually taken by it? Are you the sort of ship that carries people all over the world to relax?
These are all kinds of relation ships.
I'm usually pretty laid back about these things. I see people taken in a happy romance and I'm genuinely happy for them. This time I was genuinely happy for them but also genuinely sad for myself. Not in a poor little ol me kind of way. Well maybe a little. Just mostly in a wishing I also had someone to appreciate the growth I've gone through in the last several weeks.. to see me more than what I have to offer on the surface.
STUPID BOYS! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Where are the cowboys and the lumberjacks and the grease-monkeys and the firemen?
I grew up with nerds, sure.. gamers and stuff. But I did get the privilege of also growing up with a boy who was still interested in discovery. He liked to play with electricity and play catch and ride bikes through the mud and build giant snow igloos.. stuff that took some sweat and originality. We worked several times on making a giant tree in his back orchard into a full-fledged tree house. It was never conformed to our elaborate vision but definitely passable for 10 year olds.
He knew how to knock down bees nests and find frog eggs in the pond and fish for blue gill. We painted tractors and tilled the vegetable gardens and pulled strawberries. Point is, we played outside. There was none of this going over to each others houses and playing video games or watching Nickelodeon. If we were going to watch something, we would watch for hawks or deer or hike over to the neighbors and lean on the fence, feeding the horses. We would try to catch the animals hiding in the barn or chase turkeys in the coop. If we stood around too long his mom would put us to work filling up those green pints with jewel raspberries, only a fraction of which didn't make it into our mouths instead.
So now in my later years, on those occasional days I'm looking for someone to be both male as well as more significant than the average male (to me), I'm not looking for people who spend their days interacting with artificial life. I'm looking for someone who desires to interact with real life.
/end rant | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I have been so absent-minded lately. I don't know where my mind is half the time. Yesterday I turned the washer on and completely forgot about it, letting it go through the entire cycle with no soap and no clothes. Then at least three times this week I've put water or coffee into the microwave, heated it up and then forgot about it until it was ice-cold again. This morning I put water on the stove to boil so I could make oatmeal and then forgot about it, leaving it to totally evaporate. I'm also forgetting little things like telling my mom that my brother called or putting chicken on the stove to make soup so it will be ready when my parents get home.
Wheee. Losing it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I feel like my relationships to people and things are being split apart into two different categories: Those that I am leaving behind and those that I am creating new.
It's kind of like the monkey bars at the playground at school. You have to let go of the one behind you in order to grab the bar in front of you and move forward. I wish I could bend the laws of reality, grow another few arms and grab all the bars at once. Then I could experience all the thrill of my future while still having all the comfort of the past.
Alas life doesn't work that way. In order to move forward we have to walk away from what is behind. I'm not especially enthusiastic at some of the things in front of me right now. Some of it is wonderful and mysterious.. other things concern me. I usually embrace change, but its when I've mulled it over for a good long time and considered all my alternatives and found it to be the best option. People keep telling me that California changes people.. and their connotation in saying so is rarely positive. For some reason this whole state has a reputation for all kinds of nasty things. Attitude.. graciousness.. politeness.. Everyone I've met from there has been more than welcoming, though. I must meet all the nice hold-outs. Really I just think everyone is wrong about this place. How can people be mean when they live in such beautiful weather all the time? If anyone has a right to be crabby, its we people that live in this frozen climate all the time. Seriously.
Speaking of crabby.. I don't think I ever want to date. Seriously. Boys be crazy. And they drive me crazy. If we just remain friends its fine.. as soon as anything else starts entering into the minds of anyone else thats when things start to go south. I imagine this is how it will be until I meet the one I'm supposed to be with forever. HAHAHAHA.. yeah right. It will totally be the same. Why? Because we're human and humans are crazy and we do stupid crap to tick eachother off all the time. When I'm at my worst it is because I'm overly concerned with how people think of me so I get semi-guarded and too introspective and unnatural and stop making sense because I'm so self-conscious. When I'm at my best I'm confident and unafraid to be provocative and help move people outside of themselves.. I put them at ease. I wish we could be like that all the time. I wish we could be wide-open books.. just reading eachother easily and responding honestly and affirming. The way things go sometimes I feel like we're afraid to talk about who we really are or how we really feel and instead we concentrate on getting our perceived needs fulfilled and so we're really just using the other person instead of enjoying them. And when they don't fulfill our needs we get edgy. And when we're edgy we stop communicating. Without communication we get self-conscious, and the vicious cycle begins again.
I'm glad I have this dumb journal to write stuff like this in. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Church is always a good day. Even when its a bad day. The day is never perfect, but its always good.
My friend Jess is gorgeous.. I'm not sure she realizes this but she is one of those beautiful young women that just glow. She has all the physical beauty down of course - the figure and the perfectly cut hair and the really stunning facial features, the inviting smile and the nice clothing. But she glows. She has such a vibrant yet gentle spirit about her. I know enough about her to know her plain humanity and yet to me she still glows. I think its God's spirit in her.
Really I was just bringing her up because her clothes. Her shirt was so pretty it was worth mentioning in my coveted blog. It was this kind of deep indigo/plum color with some kind of ruffled lace vintage detail in the front. It just looked so good on her. Everything looks great on her, but this in particular was just very nice. I don't know why I keep going on about it.. I didn't even tell her because neither of us had time to talk.. I'll have to tell her next time I see her.
Anyway.. church. We were about a song and a half through worship and I felt these arms wrap around my shoulders and waist and someone kissed me by the ear. I turned my head and found the origin of all of this affection was my friends mom. We sit next to eachother at church almost every Sunday and sometimes we hug but its always during a time when its expected to do that sort of thing - when one of us enters the pew and we hug in greeting or during the pre-worship church greeting time or something to that effect. This didn't feel like that kind of hug.. it was more spontaneous feeling. Immediately I thought about the fact that this woman is missing both of her daughters - one is downstate and the other (my friend) just left at the beginning of this month for a kind of Christian counseling rehab of sorts in another state where she can only talk on the phone 15 minutes a week. This HAS to be hard on her and definitely on her mom. I thought about the fact that I should have just thrown my arms around this woman as soon as I saw her and asked her how she was doing with the empty nest. Instead, she hugged me. I don't know her reasons.. I can't fathom. I won't try. I appreciate the gesture for what it is. It'll make me think again next time how I regard people going through tough stuff, though. I need to not be so self-centered.
Anyhow.. it made me think about a lot of other stuff too. It apparently doesn't take much of anything to get my mind or conscience going into full gear. I was thinking about my attitude toward people. Sometimes I can get into this erroneous mind-set that its all about me. I hazard to guess we all get that way. That somehow this world revolves around us and our needs and if people aren't meeting our needs or at the very worst, if they are coming between us and our needs, then SCREW 'EM! But that's a horrible attitude to have. In the same way I can be too self-protective too. I can go into a situation thinking, "This person upset me last time I talked to them.. they deserve for me to ignore them or treat them poorly." It's true that it is important to let your feelings or how people effect you be known - this is all part of communication. But to say they deserve this treatment or that is not communication.. it is manipulation at best. It can be so easily misconstrued by the "offending" party and creates confusion and unrest and never leads to what you want - you want them to change a behavior or maybe just apologize or rectify an isolated incident.
So all this to say... I advocate encouraging people even when you're mad at them. A) You might not really have a justified reason to be mad at them in the first place. Maybe you just need to re-examine your rights and if this person really purposely trampled on them. B) It changes your heart and can help you with other related things, like loving the unlovely or loving your enemies. If you can't forgive friends for small things, after all, how can you forgive enemies at all? C) It changes your perspective. Reminds you that this world is not all about you.
I have a bunch more to say but I'm going to cut it off here and work on my room. Or take a nap. Or both. Maybe at the same time. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today is a good day.
In a lot of ways, but in particular I'm referring to those days where things are convenient and seem to go well.
Among those things is finally finishing this big video project that has been hanging over my head all week. And it looks good. I used the theme of a family tree, with birds and stuff and it looks pretty cool. I also found my rechargeable batteries so I can take digital photos of my artwork for my portfolio. I also tried out the headset for my phone that I've had since I got the phone but never used.. how cool is that? It feels weird talking to someone without my hands holding a phone to my ear.. it feels like I have voices in my head or something.
And I found a hairtie.. that isn't a big deal to most but if you're like me and you have long hair you know how nice it is to find one ;^) I spent all morning with my hair up in a pencil and it doesn't hold very well with all the layers in my hair.
Speaking of hair.. I think I'm going to get mine cut before I move. I got it done in October so I'm not really due for one until March or April but I really want my friend Jess to do it because it means business for her and she is such a blessing to me. Plus, if the way she did my hair at church the other day is any judge she is really good at what she does. I hope. My hair is inordinantly important to me. I remember when I very reluctantly signed my name on a list of people to shave their head for charity and how much I agonized over that decision even after I made it. Fortunately the opportunity never arose. There was a time in my younger, more tomboyish punk days I would have begged to cut off all of my hair but now I totally know what scripture means when it says a womans hair is her crown of glory. ;^) No touchy.
Today is a Michigan day. It snowed like crazy all night long and into the morning and will probably keep snowing. I hope the thaw we had the last couple days wasn't our official "indian summer" because it was short lived. I really enjoyed it, though. Maybe it will come back the first week of February so my flight won't get cancelled. :^) Never-the-less.. it's a Michigan day. Time to hibernate in my pajamas all day and graze on leftovers. I'm a little less inclined to do that now that all the food restraint and exercise is starting to pay off - the pants my mom bought for me that I had to struggle into now fit comfortably. The dress shirt my friend gave me that used to come unbuttoned now fits really well and I can wear it without an undershirt. Booya. I even went to the clothing store and tried on a couple things and found I could wear the next size down. I did find some cute shorts the next size up, though.. they're on clearance and I need bermudas so I think I'll buy them anyway. So what if they're big and unflattering on my behind? Nobody needs to be looking at my behind anyhow. ;^) So I think I can stick with this whole weight dropping thing. It hasn't been -that- difficult. Maybe I could even amp it up a little bit.
Alright. Thats enough mindless journaling for one day. I'm going to go burn my video onto DvD and work on my portfolio. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I got some incredible revelation today while writing a private journal entry. I wrote the last public entry feeling still disturbed but just forcing myself against all evidence that everything would be sorted out.
Well it is. I was angry at first.. and then the anger gave way to something else. All of a sudden everything I've been thinking and feeling came pouring out of me and for once it made sense. It was like paint falling methodically on a canvas and I didn't have to try but it just created a big, beautiful masterpiece.
I don't know how this will sound to other people and I don't care. I finally feel the peace I've been craving.. the anxiety and worry is gone. It's actually gone.. not suppressed or relabeled or hidden but gone. The pressure and the confusion are gone too. And the guilt is gone.
I feel like I am free to love people the way I'm supposed to. I'm not scared of opening up to my authorities. I'm not scared to approach God and worship Him. I'm not afraid to pray what is on my heart because I feel like my heart is actually, finally, in alignment with His. I'm not afraid to move. I'm not afraid of what is on the other side. I'm not afraid to try, or to fail. I know now that God answers prayers even when we get in the way and he hears us even when we turn our faces from Him or talk from behind our hands and gritted teeth. I feel so good even knowing feelings don't last forever. I will probably be back in the dirt on my face again and that does not bother me. Realizing this honestly and practically should prove I am not just on some spiritual, emotional high.
Things are good, and I finally get to say this without worrying that it is some kind of denial.
Right now, things are -very- good. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday I had the irrepressable urge to run off by myself and get with God. I had other things I was supposed to be doing but I was too overwhelmed. My best option was to go home, bundle up and take a good long walk in the pouring rain. There are a lot of movie scenes taking place in rain.. its dramatic and probably symbolic. Usually its two couples kissing in the rain, or a man leaning over the body of his fallen comrade or something to that effect. But I was alone in the dark, headphones on, hood up, water running off my flashlight as I swung it by my side, alternating hands when they got cold. My feet were completely soaked all the way through my leather boots and into my socks and finally my feet. I'm sure the sound they made as I walked was interesting but I couldn't hear them because of the music.
I had borrowed my moms mp3 player.. it has a decidedly less eclectic and less hardcore playlist than mine, but it was as if every song spoke to me as I walked. The overall message was that I was not alone.. I didn't need to hide.. God will lift my head...
" Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
traditional words by Paul Gerhardt (trans. John Wesley, alt. by Jars of Clay) / music by Jars of Clay / � 2005 Bridge Building, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc. (BMI) / Pogostick Music (BMI).
Behind the Song:
It presents with such confidence the idea that in the midst of our sorrow, in the midst of our pain, God will be the one to lift up our heads,� Dan Haseltine says. �We�ll always have suffering. We�ll always have pain. We�ll always have the poor. We�ll always have things that are confusing and hard to reconcile, and it will always be God that pulls us out of those places or helps us to understand why we�re in the middle of them.� (Jars Of Clay)"
I don't think I had heard the song before. When it talked about God lifting up I tilted my face toward the rain and let it pour. Into my eyes and down my cheeks and over my mouth, down my chin into the neck of my sweatshirt. Since I didn't have any of my own tears in me to cry this was the next best thing.
I've heard directors talk about these various rain scenes.. some speculate its symbolic for cleansing. It comes at a time in the film when the worst has happened and the characters are looking for reconciliation or resolution.
I wish I would have stayed out in it longer. I like storms and rain... but only when they're literal, not figurative. Every once and a while I can smile in the midst of pain or discomfort because I either see how God is shaping me in the midst of it or I go slightly mental and my only way to deal with frustration at that particular second is to hold my head and laugh.
I actually wanted to cry in the rain last night. I wanted to let all of my emotion out, everything thats been bottled up in me, knotted up and struggling. Sobbing is every bit as cleansing as a good rain. Sometimes you just need a good cry. But it didn't come. I was too overwhelmed to translate everything I was feeling into something physically manifested. Its funny though.. I usually hate walking long distances without a destination.. I get bored or tired or just plain lazy. But when I have something heavy on my mind I just don't want to stop walking. I took the longest route I could around my neighborhood, doubling back to make it last longer and when I got back to my driveway I still wasn't ready to stop. I started walking up the hill again to have another go around but got spooked. I was never even winded. I've walked that loop before and was always out of breath, but last night I never broke a sweat. I could have run the whole circuit and it wouldn't have made a difference. I would have run it if I had better shoes on or if it wasn't wet.
I wish I knew what was going on in my heart lately. I sit here wanting to stew and sort and figure it all out but at the same time wanting to shut it all out and feel nothing. It's like accidentally dropping your wedding ring into a killer bee hive and looking at it from a distance knowing there is only one way to get that ring back but also knowing that everything its going to require is going to be extremely scary and painful.
Sometimes I feel silly for thinking and feeling so much, as if I have no business or right to do so.. I'm not going through anything that terrible.. just day to day stuff. Worse things will happen in my life that will really give me something to cry about. And even when those things come, God will lift my head up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Want | | Time: | 08:29 pm |
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| What do I want? What do I REALLY want?
I suppose there are differences between our desires and what we're really willing to work for. If you ask a lot of people they will tell you the latter is what you really REALLY want. Desires are oh-kay.. but they're no guarantee. If you really want something.. you don't just want it with your emotions, you want it with your actions.
So what do I actually want? What do I want enough to fight for? To defend against opposition, to bring about, to bring into existence, to sacrifice for? What am I willing to build my whole life around, to change my plans for, to change my very being for?
How bad do I want something, that I would risk losing other things previously important to me?
Am I willing to be alone on my chosen path? Am I willing to come alongside someone else on theirs? Am I willing to lead someone else down this same road, or at the very least recommend it?
I'm still tired. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think I trust people too quickly. I want to experience other people so badly, to know their hurt or what brings them joy or what is mundane to them.. I think people were the most beautiful part of creation. And that is a feat. Because anyone who knows me knows that I am just in awe of giant clouds.. those big puffy ones that if you look at them long enough they look like familiar objects. I can sit there or lay there or stand there and stare at them forever, their unbelievable size - like giant whales swimming through the air over my head. How they seem so solid and real but are made of simple vapor that would give way at the slightest touch or breath.
So even though I love big cumulus clouds, I love people even more. God did an amazing job designing the body, soul and spirit. I get caught up sometimes in my annoyances of other people because I am one of them. I have the same flaws of self-importance.
So I WANT to trust. I want to connect and "co-mingle our philosophies", and let down my walls and be real - But sometimes people want me to let down things that aren't walls. They're safeguards. They're there to protect the parts of me that cannot protect themselves. Its like those kids who are allergic to sunlight. If they go outside and an inch of their body is not covered it instantly forms horrible blistered burns because their skin does not have the ability to protect itself from the suns rays. Sure it will eventually heal to relative normalcy but it will never be the same, and they have to live with that forever.
I'm changed forever by the things I've let in. A lot of that is good.. even some of the bad stuff can be used for good. But I wouldn't tell a child allergic to sunlight to throw off their coverings and run around in the daylight just to be free. They would enjoy barely a millisecond before dropping to the ground and seizuring in agony. Even after being covered back up they would be so raw and damaged. All of the pleasure of that millisecond would be forgotten.
That said, it is necessary to let down walls. People who surround themselves with walls are prisoners.. the closer the walls are to them the more they are isolated, like in solitary confinement. If you're in a relationship where you only let that one person in, you turn them into your inmate. You must let many people in, even the ones you don't like as much. Even the people who are critical sometimes. They provide a good foundation for self-examination.
I'm tired. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think everyone on a day-to-day basis has very shallow connections with people. We're all so different. We all have different ways of understanding and processing things, even the same things. Very rarely can we find people who will see the same thing the same way. When we do find those rare ones, it is profound and wonderful and freeing. Finally someone I don't have to explain myself to so much. Someone I have more than a shallow connection with.
I believe those are the people God means us to be with forever... those people whom we don't have to labor with all the time. Every relationship takes work and that work is what makes it a real and healthy relationship. But it should also afford rest, where we can lay down our guard, open ourselves and be understood instantly or at least with very little explanation. And we should rarely have to speculate what the other person thinks of us, because if that person is as connected as we think they are, they will pick up on the subtleties and already know our wants and needs. Already know how to respond or make themselves understood. Should this require practice? Or should it be already set in place at the onset?
I don't know.
But if it is not so, then I want to be alone forever. Because that might be better than to live a life of endless unsolved misunderstandings. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Christmas is not about presents.. its about a baby named Jesus born in a manger.
But we all know that story. What you don't know is what I got for Christmas, so even though the reason behind the celebration is of infinite more importance I'm going to disclose my winnings anyway.
I got everything I asked for, and a little more. The first present I opened was pajamas. Score! I wanted those because if I'm sharing an apartment or room with someone in CA its like a perpetual sleepover and I can't be seen wearing anything less than cute pajamas. I also got a fuzzy zip-up robe to match. I look pretty darn hot in both. ;^) I also got some body wash, which is always good because I'm a big advocate of personal hygiene. Okay. I'm a little obsessed with it. Little known fact - If I could live in the shower, I would. I like a good roll in the mud or a sweaty work-out but I needs me a shower strait afterward.
I think I opened my brothers gift next. He surprised me by not getting me a giftcard taped to the bottom of a large box this year and actually got me a 4gb flashdrive. I guess its a pretty spiffy one too. Should come in handy.
Third was a gift bag of assorted items... Flink, which is Doug Tennapels latest graphic novel, then some organic flavored chocolate, and a bar of handmade soap.....with a hundred dollars taped to the back! W00t. I will be able to eat in San Diego after all! :^)
Fourth was a big box, one of the biggest things I asked for, which was a luggage set. Phew! I was counting on my parents buying me one because I don't own any. I told them where to get one for cheap, too, so it's not like it was a big expensive item. But its priceless... I now have the peace of mind knowing I have something to carry my entire life in on the plane to California. And its purple! Bright purple. Not my first choice, but I will bet you it will be easy to spot on the carousel when I arrive. :^P
My final gift was one I wasn't even expecting yet.. my laptop. There was a big trade-up amongst my immediate family in terms of electronics, which I had to do very little to benefit from. All I had to do was convince my brother I had squatters rights on my dads projector he was getting rid of and he offered to trade me his laptop for it. It's not new or anything but it will get me by for email and word processing when I move. And my parents kicked in for a wireless card too. Yay!!
So all in all it was a very profitable holiday. Dad seemed happy with his step-ladder and mom cried when she opened the gift I got her. Not sure how my brother felt. He's always like that, though.
On top of it my grandma gave me $50!
So here is the running total of my monetary assets: $50 in the bank, $50 from grandma, $100 from parents, $365 check to cash, $300ish check coming end of this week, still waiting from a $50 window check. That totals approximately $900. There will be a little less after I tithe and give offering on that and such.
Also my mom assured me they would be giving me more money for my trip before I left, and I'll hopefully have about a month worth of work checks to collect also in the meantime, from Target and from the window displays, etc.
So ...yeah :^) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Last week sometime a friend of mine called to invite me out for the following weekend. I was super excited at the prospect because she's one of those people I love spending time with but don't get to very often because of different schedules.
We were hanging out with a couple other mutual friends as well, basically a "ladies night out". Although it can never truly be that way, can it? We all used to be single and now everyone has a man, and none of them can go a night without talking to them. ;^)
But it was relaxing. They picked me up at work and we grabbed some chinese take-out (I had some incredible sushi and finally got to try green tea icecream. Not sure how I feel about it yet. It needs something.) Then we ate and talked and laughed about stupid stuff for about an hour before changing into our swimsuits and heading downstairs.
A short dissertation on swimwear... I think it is a socially interesting concept. It is generally unacceptable to show your undergarments in public, and yet swimwear covers sometimes less skin and we walk around in public like that. I wear a t-shirt over mine for practical reasons, being fair-skinned and all.
Afterward we went to the sauna to dry off. By then I just wanted to jump in the snow and cool off but as we were leaving this group of little girls started chatting with us and they were so sweet we didn't want to leave. They kept asking us questions like our names and how old we were and what nationality Becky was and that we were so beautiful and they liked our hair and on and on. Little girls aren't always the most considerate people so it was kind of cool to meet these young ladies. One of them said to me, out of nowhere, "If people say you're fat, they're wrong, because you're not." I just wanted to laugh.. kids say crazy stuff. You had to love her.
When we got back to our room I totally crashed. Probably all the heat from the hot tub and sauna and just being relaxed after a long day at work. I felt bad for falling asleep and probably missed out on some good conversation but the beds were sooooo comfortable. And I was sooooo tired. I slept good.
Little story about yesterday... My breaks are really sporadic sometimes. They've forgotten before, but yesterday they thought they had sent me and they never did. Basically we get breaks every two hours. I came back from my lunch break at 2:20 and so I should have had another break around 4:20 or so but at 5:00 they still hadn't sent me so I called my manager over because I only had an hour left of my shift for the day. He said he hadn't forgotten me and they were sending me on break soon. So about 45 minutes later I called him over again and said, "Um... sorry to bug you again but if I go on a break now when I come back I'll only have 15 minutes left of my shift.. sooo.." So he told me to go on break. When I came back I apologized to him even though I knew there was nothing I could have done differently and he said, "Well, next time you should tell me sooner." And I thought to myself, "...I told you 45 minutes earlier!"
Apparently they had me down as going on break at 3:45, but I'm not sure why because no one ever came and relieved me.
Anyway.. end rant. It was totally fine, just funny how crazy it gets in there during the holidays.
Bleh! I'm hungry. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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